Do you know how long it takes for an apple seedling to grow into a tree and produce fruit? Roughly six to ten years. That is a long time and 40 seasons of spring, summer, harvest and winter combined before even one apple… growth takes time and patience.
This is something that has honestly drove me crazy all of CGA and since before my race… the fact that some of my struggles are going to take long amounts of time to conquer. I lived one way for 17 years, and now I want to change my habits and rewire my brain; a year and a half in and I want to be “there” already- wherever “there” is. I am speaking primarily about self-worth and the topic of insecurities. I’ve read a few super honest and raw blogs lately, so I thought I would join in and be upfront about my current struggles with the Father.
Month one of my World Race (September of 2017) I realized how much I struggle with “Fomo” and self-critical thoughts. It broke me down and with that self-awareness I had a really hard time giving myself grace for the process. Throughout the last year and a half I have experienced freedom. I have grown in tremendous ways from trying to cut out self-negative speech, asking for help and prayer when I need it and sharing my story with others. I have proclaimed the fathers truth over myself daily and have chosen to put on the Lord’s armor to fight this daily battle, but I still struggle. I still have days like a few days ago where I feel completely alone and unseen. I still pass by the mirror and only focus on how out of shape I am currently or how I don’t think I am beautiful. I feel sad for no reason and go hours without even blinking an eye- simply living completely checked out from what’s going on around me.
At the beginning of this semester one of my teachers introduced us to a song called, “Do you know the way you move me” by the band Davy Flowers. ( I highly recommend you going and listening to it with the father. It will getcha.) The lyrics wreck me and I cry almost every single time. It has been my heart cry these past 5 months.
Its a conversation between someone and the Lord. the lyrics in “italics” is the father speaking….
Father, I’m just a seed, not yet a tree- still growing, do you still love me?
“I love your weak love, I love your reach”
Oh father, I’m still a seed, not yet a tree- still growing, do you want me this way?
“Just keep on reaching, keep on trying, keep on looking, it moves me.”
But I struggle to love, struggle to pray, struggle to stay another day God…
“But I love you in the struggle- I’m so proud of you.”
What about the days that I’m bored, that I’m tired and feeling nothing God.
“I’m so proud of you- don’t believe the accusers. I’m so proud of you.”
But compared to the rest I’m the weakest one God..
“I’m not looking at them I’m looking at you, I’m so proud of you”
Are you really, are you really proud- do you really, do you really love me god?
“I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”
But I’m just a seed, not yet a tree. Barely growing…
“But i love the way you look at me- i love the way you keep choosing to die.”
I’m just a seed, not yet a tree. Still maturing slowly..
“But few have chosen this narrow way and you have- im so proud of you”
Are you proud of me?
“I’m so proud of you.”
Do you really love me?
“I’m so proud of you.
Do you really want me?
Oh, I want you..
Do you really see me?
I really see you.
I’m just a seed not yet a tree
“I love the way your growing, you’re leaning, you’re loving, its not as small as it seems”
Trying to believe- help my unbelief
“Few are the ones who choose this narrow way”
I’m trying to believe, help my unbelief
“I’ll be your strength each day- I’m so proud of you.”
I’m trying to feel it, trying to know it, trying to see it- help my unbelief!
“I’ll be your strength each day- I’m so proud of you.”
Give me grace, give me grace, give me grace.
This is only a part of the song. The reason I love it is because it is such an honest cry out to the father, one that i experience quite often.
Father- do you really love me? Do you really see me? Because I feel like I should be more mature by now, feel deeper things, but i am just so weak. I’m trying to believe, help my unbelief. Give me grace upon grace.
The answer is, yes-He loves me. He is so, so proud of me even when i can’t feel it.
But you know what? It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to just be a seed, barely growing. This is something I am currently learning to be okay with. Because I am trying. I am striving for more of the Lord every day. Yes, I still struggle with comparison. I still struggle with a critical spirit and bitterness and not loving others the way I should. But the father is going to keep extending grace. I am going to keep failing, and it’s okay.
He loves me for me.
He loves me right where I am at.
He is so proud of me, that’s all I need to hold on to.
